By Staff
On March 17, it was decided that American singer Frank Ocean has never existed and has been a collective figment of our imaginations this entire time. Come on bro you need to drop something this is getting serious.
It was decided leading up to Coachella, which Ocean is expected to headline. A lot of people have been doubting the notion that he’ll even show up because of the fact that he doesn’t exist anymore. For context, his last album, Blonde, was released in 2016.
A really noteworthy scientist says on the matter, “At this point, I personally don’t think Frank Ocean has ever existed. Frank Ocean, if you exist, start acting like it.”
Another really noteworthy scientist says on the matter, “Yeah, I agree. This almost happened with Kendrick, but seven years? Seven years is crazy I’m not even gonna lie. And that’s the thing like, I love Frank but I’ve had seven years with Blonde at this point, and ten with Channel Orange. I need something new. I’ve been trying to listen to Nostalgia Ultra but they took it off Spotify, so maybe that would hold me over for a little bit once I find that mixtape. But like still, Frank, you’re losing me. I need something now.”
All these noteworthy scientists agree that Frank Ocean has never existed and is now just a collective figment of our imagination. So we sent a reporter down to Coachella to double check. We have not heard from him since, however he sent us a video at 2:34 AM, and we have done our best to transcribe it. For phrases that we’re not sure if we understood correctly, we have put a question mark in parentheses afterwards.
“Hey guys, I- I articulate (?) I- I’m in Coachellaaaaa haha. Did you ever realize that- our news thing is called The Claw? Like, that’s so fitting ahahah. I like carnivals (?) and – oh hey Jimmy. Sorry that was my friend Jimmy we met today. But it feels like longer than that. Anyway- anyway I saw the Frank, the Frank Ocean, and- and I yeah. He did his Frank Ocean thing, then there was this lady from Ireland (?). Oh what? Jimmy says she’s Greenland, nevermind. Did you know Will Smith had a daughter? And she, like, sings. Oh, yeah. Frank Ocean exis- he doesn’t- he doesn’t exist. Yeah. So that’s my report haha. I need to get back to Coachellaaaa…”
It has come to our attention that our reporter has never made it back to our headquarters and was last seen camping at the Empire Polo Club two days after the end of Coachella. We ask for your thoughts and prayers as the search for our reporter in SoCal continues.
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