How to win any argument.  

By Cozette Calderon 

As a member of the debate club, I am very argumentative. I always win every argument against Dodger—my dog. This makes me a credible author in this topic. What am I writing about, you may ask? Read the title. 

 Wondering why you continually cry under your covers as your daddy and mommy tell you it was your fault for failing your math test (it’s okay. We’ve all been there. Support group meets every Monday in W-202)?  Want to finally destroy your despicable parents in an argument? Here are the steps you need to take in order to crush your enemies–oh, uh…parents.

1. Wear a three piece suit. 

You’re probably reading this going: “How am I supposed to get a suit on in time, wah wah wah I’m a baby.” Answer? Pause the timer. You constantly need a stopwatch counting your day. As soon as you feel the hot lava of an argument flowing, pause the timer and run to your closet. Pull out that one suit you never use but have because you wore it to some distant aunt’s funeral. Then, you’re ready to win. Want to always be prepared—as any winner should be? Sleep, shower, and stand outside to dry in that three piece suit. 

      What if you get hot during the summer? Throw the jacket over your shoulder and wear some sunglasses. When an argument starts, you’ll have two things to throw at your opponents, and you’ll still be wearing a vest and tie, so you won’t be  underdressed. 

The warrant for wearing a three piece suit?

     People take you seriously. You look good, you feel good, and people notice CONFIDENCE. You could be telling them the sky is green, but if you look good and are confident, they’ll believe you. 

“But what if they don’t believe me? Wah wah, boo hoo, I am a baby.” Patience, incompetent person, that’s the next step. 

2. Even if the fact is very easily disproved, quote Harvard, speak loudly, and wave your hands around passionately. 

Judges, in this case a friend or a parent, love passionate arguments. Use pathos: make them feel bad for your cause. Use logos: a fact quoted by any of the 7 ivy league universities. (I say 7 because you didn’t even know the University of Pennsylvania 1) existed, 2) was considered an Ivy league until I just told you. So, people certainly won’t believe you if you quote it—it’s not worth your big-brain evidence). 

    Waving your hands gives the impression of ‘I know what I’m talking about, so sit down and listen.’ 

      “But what if I can’t wave my hands? Or what if it’s still not getting their attention?”

You slam them…you slam them hard. 

      “But, waaaaa, boo hoo, where do I slam them?”

3. Use a podium. 

    This is the biggest key to success. Forget useful facts, forget being calm—you need a podium. My suggestion is to hire an assistant to carry one for you. I do. Karri is a very good podium carrier. I pay her $1 per week. Yes, I did in fact lower her wage from minimum wage down to just $1 a week by following these rules when we got into a heated argument at her kid’s birthday party. But what if you can’t hire a single mom to carry your podium? 

      You get your friends to do so. How do you get your friends to do this? You wear a three piece suit, speak loudly, and wave your hands. You then begin to cry and say, “I just want to be good at something, and I know this 20 pound podium would make me a winner.” 

Trust me, it works every time. I’ve been doing it since I was five and have had 10 podiums in that time and 60 BFFs (their backs wear out quickly, so you have to dig a grave and move on). 

4. Once you have the podium, it’s time to focus. Your daily routine revolves around arguments. 

       You wake up every morning at 4:30 AM, constantly in your three piece suit, unless you’re weak, and immediately begin research. Headphones should never leave your ears, and a news channel or podcast should constantly be playing. If you’re at work, use the podcast to ignore your boss. If you’re a student, listen to the podcast through Math class, Science class, English class, but not History class. History is the time to PAY ATTENTION. If you quote a historical event you’ll win. 

Ex: 

    “Mom, I know I didn’t get a good grade on my math test, but this level of belittlement is what drove the 1917 Russian Revolution that then brought the world’s worst leaders like Lenin and Stalin to power. Do you want me to be a part of a terrible revolution and become a Stalin, then go on to murder millions of people?” 

Skip to the end of the day: You’ve finished school, and did all your homework. That homework should have only taken 15 minutes with as low effort as possible. Why did your homework only take 15 minutes? You don’t have time for homework. You have to read the news, the history.org page, and, most importantly, Buzzfeed. Buzzfeed is the most important news source. You are nothing without those personality tests—you would lose yourself. 

5) Take multiple personality tests everyday, but not before a tournament. You must not care about who you are during a tournament. 

It becomes easy to lose yourself in the debate lifestyle. You switch sides daily. You research both sides of a topic and agree equally with both perspectives, and you say facts are lies and lies are facts. You become spiteful towards any opposers. Personality tests remind you of who you are, so you can still go out on Sundays feeling like a good person despite crushing a team’s dreams the day before. Knowing what type of candy you would be is a good way to stay grounded. 

6) Be organized in your speech, and use as much evidence as possible. 

This is the least important tip. Why? Who cares? If you talk for long enough, loudly enough, and look good, no one cares if you make sense. Tip-toe around the argument. It’s fine. 

7) If you don’t do this, you will lose without fail. Roll yourself into a ball and cry. If you’re dumb, the judge votes for you because of pity. If you’re smart, it’s viewed as an act of passion over the topic. Act as if you are the last human on earth and you are begging to finally be turned into a zombie. You are debating from the floor, yelling and rolling spasmodically as you beg for the judge to vote for you. This is also a good way to fill time. Your opponent will be caught off guard, so they won’t have a reply. If they do have a reply and say you’re crazy this is where we turn to plan B. 

PLAN B

1. Mess with the opponent’s head. 

How do you do this? Immediately stand up from your little cocoon, crying ball and stare at them intensely. Rebut all their points in your speech while hovering over them, yelling in their face, perching on their table or podium (which they’ll have if they have any passion towards being a winner). The judge will see you assert dominance. This is also an option if you haven’t lowered your self dignity enough to cry on your hands and knees in front of a judge for a trophy. Think of yourself like an owl that is also a human cannibal that only has the taste for opponent’s eyeballs. 

2. After the debate finishes and you want to cement the judges choice of awarding you, you should walk to the judge. Shake their hand. If it’s a mom or friend, biting is NOT welcomed. Instead, try snapping and clapping at them aggressively. If not a relative/ bite. It normally scares them enough to reconsider all your arguments. 

 When in need of a victory, follow these rules. If this helped, which of course it did, you can vote on Debateroom.com.notafakepageinanyway for me to get my debate teaching credential. I’ve been having to argue with the owners for a while…them and their stupid 

30000 dollar suits. (I wonder if I could use my mom’s credit card.) Oh, right. Vote for me because I’m a winner and you’re not—unless you follow these tips. Then, meet me outside for lunch with your podium and we’ll see who comes out on top.