Survival guide: Black Friday

By Staff

Black Friday—the holy day of shopping. We all like to treat ourselves, and Black Friday gives us the perfect opportunity to buy everything we want without absolutely digging into our bank accounts. Yes, yes, I know you all know this. You don’t need to be cuddled and told what Black Friday is. Instead, you sneaky people are here for a survival guide. So, here’s how to survive Black Friday.

BE THE FIRST IN LINE

I’m part of a family that gets up at 3 am on Black Friday and goes to the best store: Best Buy. But you know what happens? We never get what we want because the line is wrapped around the building and off into Bed Bath & Beyond’s empty parking lot. Don’t be my stupid family. Get there two days early—at the bare minimum. Need the bathroom? Get a tent and a bottle. Feel like that’s “unsanitary”. SUCK IT UP. No one appreciates a placeholder—that’s cheating. So, go to the bathroom in a bucket or bottle. Do you want that iphone 14 or not?

GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED

Look, you’ve probably noticed one major issue with my plan. How do I get to more than one store? Well, here’s the obvious solution: get your family involved. If you only have one store as your target, your family should still be there. Each member gets an item they must try to get and protect with their life. Maybe you have multiple stores as your target…that’s when Operation Cobra happens. You must be on a multiple-way call. If one of your kids finds a better deal on the 54-inch flat screen TV at Target, it then becomes your kids duty to drag it to the front and buy it.

What if you have no family because you’re a social hermit who left the foreign exchange student from Brazil during college because you “knew it was too good to be true”, but now you follow him on facebook—to ashamed to message him because you’ve gained 30 pounds, are graying, and the only thing you have to prove you’re not a failure is a 9-to-5 job and a degree in marketing that put you 76,000 dollars in debt? That’s when you find the map on the back of the constitution and follow where it goes. It leads you to a cloning machine. From there, clone yourself as many times as possible, then refer to the previous paragraph to know what to do.

HIDE IN THE BATHROOM

Alright, you might be worried about your 8 year old trying to drag your precious 54-inch flat screen TV to the front through crowds of screaming, sweaty adults. What if the TV gets shattered? This is what you tell them: Go to the bathroom with your prized item(s), and wait until the store is closing, then check out. The crowds won’t be as hungry for blood towards the end. The store will mostly look like a zombie apocalypse hit.

If you’re still worried about your kids hiding in a bathroom, for whatever weird reason—I don’t get parents—buy what you have to buy and then rush to the store and help your child. It’s just going to waste you a lot of gas and time—FYI.

Congrats! You have successfully made it through Black Friday…hopefully. However, there may be some things you’ll need to survive…

TIPS