By Cozette Calderon
Let’s be honest. Americans, we’re stupid. 79% of U.S. adults are literate in 2022. (Yay, good job, sweeties), but 54% of adults have a literacy rate below sixth-grade level (This is bad). Moreover, 21% of adults in the US are illiterate, recorded in 2022. Back in the 1700s, literary rates were even worse, most likely leading to America’s biggest mistake: The American Revolution.
Everybody stay calm. I get it. You’re yelling that slavery was America’s worst mistake. I partially agree, but—Okay, maybe that sounds bad… AND, it would have been Britain’s mistake if we didn’t succeed them. Here’s the blunt truth that Americans need to face: we’re missing out on a lot of good things that the British can do for us.
- PROM QUEEN AND KING
I am—I mean…we are heartbroken that Benicia High has taken away prom queen and king. Why did American High schools abandon the practice of prom king and queen? The practice represents a monarchy, which we “escaped” in 1775. Look, I get it. Boo to your “parent” country, but now we’re punishing popularity contests because of our parent’s one boo-boo? As a highschooler, I’m offended. Why should I not get to be better than all the girls in my highschool and get a crown? If we allow Britain to recolonize us, we’d be able to celebrate monarchies once more.
- GOOD TEA PRACTICES
Students of Benicia High, I have a secret. I’ve started liking tea. But I also have an exposé on Mr. Hughes that the Benicia Paw refuses to publish. I’m planning on sending it to the Benicia Herald instead, but I can spill a bit of the tea here. Here, come close. Closer…closer. I can see you’re not putting your eyes closer to the screen. CLOSER.
Thank you… finally.
Mr. Hughes made his tea in the microwave. DISGUSTING. Now, there’s radiation in his tea, and the quality is corrupt. How does being colonized by the UK fix this? Mr. Hughes would have been thrown in JAIL if he tried to “make tea” in a microwave in the U.K. We need to save the quality of such a priceless drink that came from years of colonization in India.
- GREAT MUSEUMS
Look, Americans have no taste for classics. We pick Ben Affleck over Adam West. We pick Leonardo DiCaprio over Leonard Whiting. We “Americans” need to relearn style and grace. What better place than a museum to relearn the true power of artistic expression? Sure, all of the British museums are filled with stolen art from Greece, Africa, Egypt, and many others. That doesn’t mean we can’t claim them as ours and enjoy the artistic mastery and income from them.
- BIG BEN
This is simple. We want this landmark.
- KING CHARLES IS DYING AND WE CAN COUP THEM
King Charles has sadly been diagnosed with cancer. Long live our dear king…
Or not. Because this means he’s going to die even earlier. What does this mean? It means our plan to be recolonized must pass now because Britain is in a stage of weakness. We can easily coup the government, dismantle it, and turn the entire ex-U.S and U.K into a North Korean-like superpower whose entire economy rests on illegally selling false eyelashes to China. This means the impending threat of China would dissipate. We could create world peace by giving into imperialism one last time.
Sign the petition at www.letusberecolonizedbythelovelyUK
beniciapaw.com 