What is a Boundary?

By Cozette Calderon

There is always a “line” that we refuse to cross, an activity that we refuse to engage in, or a person who we will not talk to. Those examples are boundaries that we set. So what exactly is a boundary? A boundary is a limit one imposes onto one’s self, normally out of moral obligation or an inner desire. That is a simple answer. But when does a boundary merely become a loophole? And how do we not cross these boundaries when “limits” merely feel like rules, encouraging rebellion? 

When one wants to set a boundary, it’s often because there is a line that they do not want to cross while still wanting to engage in the activity. Let us use a light-hearted example: The New York Times website has a bunch of mini games that one can play daily. One of the more popular ones is Wordle. You have 6 tries to guess a word. Each time you guess a word, if any letters in those words are correct and in the correct spot, they will turn green. If they’re in the word but in the wrong spot, they turn yellow. I play Wordle on a daily basis, and I feel competitive and like to win. Sometimes, I feel like my brain is frozen, and I have no vocabulary. I use “Wordle Finder” to help me find the hidden word. Still, everytime I use the website and “win,” the win doesn’t feel genuine. So, I set a boundary.  I refused to put in all the letters I know into the wordfinder. That way, I still won based on some of my own merit. Still, the win didn’t feel genuine. I have now given up the long addiction of using “Wordle finder.” Yes, this is a silly example, but what can we glean from it? I merely used the rule of not putting all the letters into the wordfinder as a loophole for cheating. Sometimes the boundaries we set for ourselves are facades of doing the right thing, like setting a boundary is our way of saying that we are taking a step towards doing the right thing, but we just aren’t quite ready to fully stop whatever activity we are setting the boundary on. 

So, the question is no longer what is a boundary. The question is, should we set boundaries? And if we do, should we use them as loopholes? 

We create boundaries because we have some inner desire to engage in certain parts of an activity but not fully engage with every aspect of said activity. This is reasonable. Setting a boundary is not always a facade or a loophole for breaking a personal rule and can be healthy, like setting a time that you will not stay up past or refusing to be alone with a person you don’t feel comfortable talking to. In fact, setting boundaries can be vital in living a happy life. As we age, there will be times when we set a boundary with a friend or set boundaries with work, such as not staying at the office too late. As cliche as such an example sounds, it can be a necessary boundary in order to live a happier life. 

We’ve established that boundaries can be beneficial, so let us look at the second question about loopholes. Depending on one’s perspective and the situation, setting a boundary as a loophole can either be a step in the right direction or merely a way to ease one’s conscience. Perhaps one is setting a boundary to slowly wean themself off of an activity. If so, a boundary that may be otherwise considered a loophole is in fact a good step towards completing a goal because the goal is ending the activity completely and the boundary is a tool to get there. However, if one feels guilt about engaging in an activity and merely seeks to lessen that guilt by picking and choosing what parts of the activity to engage in, that boundary begins to lose its positive connotation. A boundary should not be set to ease your conscience because it only increases temptation and excuses. 

One of the biggest challenges people face when accepting and creating boundaries is actually acknowledging them and not “stepping over them,” meaning breaking the self-imposed rule. How can we hold ourselves accountable for not trampling a boundary? 

1. Acknowledge the reason you’re setting the boundary.

Whether it be personal ideals, religious beliefs, or discomfort, there’s a reason that we set a boundary. If we feel a want to cross the boundary, we must remind ourselves why we placed it in the first place. If we find that the motivational cause is no longer an issue, then the boundary may be ready to be deconstructed and that’s why you’re tempted to cross it. At that point, the boundary is no longer required, and crossing over it wouldn’t be a violation. 

2. Consequences 

When tempted to step over a boundary, remind yourself of the consequences. 

If the consequences don’t seem terrible, then maybe ask yourself why you set the boundary in the first place. If the results do seem terrible, then it will encourage you to not cross the boundary. 

3. Why are you tempted to break the boundary?  

There is some reason that you are tempted to break the boundary. Perhaps it’s for popularity—people are watching. Maybe it’s the temptation of enjoyment. Or maybe it’s someone encouraging you, knowingly or unknowingly, to step over the boundary. Don’t step over your comfort level or moral limits for outside forces. The one who decided to set the boundary—you—should be the only one to decide to take it down, meaning there shouldn’t be any outside influence. If you can recognize the outside influence, you can remove yourself from the situation to give yourself time to consider if you want to cross the boundary or if someone else wants you to. 

Truly, we all struggle with crossing our self-imposed boundaries, but the fact that we even set them can be seen as a good first step towards self-control and self-improvement. Don’t let your boundaries crumble because of temptation. Let them crumble when you grow and the boundaries are no longer a requirement or no longer aid you.