By Walter Bush
Recently, in Mr. Hughes’ journalism class, Mr. Hughes has introduced an incinerator. Although students were initially confused, Mr. Hughes explained that students that haven’t been turning in their articles would be executed. ”I expect a wonderful increase of productivity and a decrease in tomfoolery, with only 5 incinerations per quarter” he said—those being the 5 least productive students. Although this might have positive effects on creative output, many students are worried for their safety.
“It hurts,” stated an anonymous charcoal mound. Representatives tried to reach out to interview a living student currently enduring the policy change, but he wouldn’t talk, instead shaking while clutching a fire extinguisher.
When asked if he was worried about the potential legal consequences of this policy, Mr. Hughes immediately incinerated our interviewer for wasting his time before passing out another content pitch to the remaining students. Fearing for their lives, some students have reported going days without sleep, with many writing up to 60 articles each day.
The other day, I watched Mr. Hughes burn a student for thinking about using ChatGPT. He glared at them across the room, read their mind, and used telekinesis to throw them into the flames.
Some students tried to skip class by hiding in bathrooms but reported the toilets started exploding. Many students are mortified, but one particular student seemed completely unbothered by this. “If you think the frogs in Mr. Hughes’ brain are affecting his decisions, you have lost your mind and —” The rest of his sentence was unintelligible because frogs started crawling out of the student’s mouth and ears. The administration is trying to help the students, but their offices are currently overrun with frogs.
Please direct any further questions to Mr. Hughes (at your own risk).
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