By Walter Bush
In our society today, floors are in every building you see. Many people see these as a useful part of a building, but they aren’t really necessary. Many carpets are ugly, flooring is expensive, and they don’t support the structures of the buildings they are installed in.
If the floors were just soil on top of tile, plants could grow all around and on higher floors, making buildings easier to breathe in. Imagine being in class, starving, waiting for lunch, but then you notice an apple tree next to you with ripe apples ready to be picked. The positive effects on the environment caused by this change would cancel out the carbon emissions of at least 3 small to medium sized rodents.
Due to the ceiling, there won’t be rain in the rooms, so the plants should be watered by sprinklers. In office buildings and classrooms, this may soak papers and ruin some things, like the sacred Mr. Hughes microwave, but anyone who considers this a problem should just reconsider.
The average American spends 3.2 trillion dollars a year on flooring alone. This is because a man named “John Floor the 17th,” who is currently under investigation by the FBI for purchasing $1.07168e+15 worth of flooring every year, is an outlier and should not have been counted, but he was. So, we’re sticking with 3.2 trillion dollars a year.
The practice of installing floors in buildings was started by John Floor the First, who did this for profit, using marketing to convince people that they needed floors. He did this because he had a gargantuan amount of floors from a massive natural deposit of floors. It is speculated that there was a species of trees in the land he owned called the “Floor tree” or scientifically, “Floorus treeus” Towards the end of his career, John Floor’s floor deposit ran low and began to taper. As it faded and John Floor left the floor business, the useless practice was continued by the urban legend that floors are a necessity.
It is time we left this legend behind, clearly seen when considering the issues with floors. One concern is safety. Falling and hitting your head on hard floors is extremely dangerous, but imagine falling on a soft soil ground when you trip on something. The soil would cushion your fall, potentially saving your life.
Another benefit about replacing floors with dirt is that instead of damaging floors, water will replenish them. Modern flooring is extremely easy to damage and hard to replace, and it wears down over time. The thing about having dirt in buildings is that it’s easy to repair. You can buy a bag of dirt from a store and just pour over any damage or holes.
With dirt floors being cheaper to install and maintain, there will be obvious economic benefits, because companies, schools, and homeowners would have money to spend on better things.
Sometimes buildings can have problems with insect infestations, but in the ground that would replace floors, venus flytraps could be planted in rooms to take care of such infestations. This could be taken further by using peashooters from the hit video game Plants Vs. Zombies™ where they keep buildings safe from zombies and other hostile creatures. These can be planted using 100 sun, gathered from none other than the humble sunflower.
Albert Einstein wouldn’t even go into rooms with floors because he knew the atomic structure of floors can cause cancer, vomiting, forgetfulness, schizophrenia, slow death, instant death, forgetfulness, and forgetfulness. I know this because I MADE IT UP. Trust me bro.
In conclusion, floors are outdated, dangerous, and a waste of time, money and space. A world without floors would be safer, greener, and happier. If you support this cause, experts recommend you rip your floorboards out. According to today’s top Fortnite professionals, the elves will attack if you don’t rip your floor up immediately.
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