By Reed Richards
Taking the trash out is a thing of the past! Caring about the environment is absolutely, without a doubt, holding us humans back from reaching our full potential as a species.
As we know, every action we do creates a whole bunch of trash, but it may be useful trash. All this waste we are making could and SHOULD be repurposed. But I’m not talking about a new form of plastic based recycling mumbo jumbo. Food, wood, plastic and other things commonly found in the Garden of Eden, previously called dumpsters, are just waiting to be used up.
Fresh things are overrated and use too much power to keep around. Rotting things keep their squishy outsides and mushy insides no matter the weather. Bonus points if someone already took a bite out of it. As we all know, human DNA shares a 99.9% similarity to racoon DNA, so it’s within our genes to consume as much garbage as racoonely possible.
Trash also helps us house and clothe ourselves. Creating shanty towns out of scraps is the most space efficient and can also help to indoctrinate other people into the correct mindset of trash worship. One problem that any stupid person would bring up is that you could get “sick” or “hurt” but TrashCO™ guarantees that you will at least keep 4% of your skin after converting.
Another problem brought up by the non-believers is that pollution will be an issue, but it’s not an issue at all. More pollution means a motion towards a cooler world. If we release as much emissions into the air as possible, at some point we will block out the sun and make it so food can never rot again. In at least 600 years, we will have a perfect trash based society built on the festering bones of the old world. Glory to TrashCO™.
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