by Andy Kelly
We’ve all seen the classic Star Wars movies we know and love. But while many of us are content to relegate these works of art to that of fantasy, I can’t help but think our country would be better off if we had our own Death Star.
First off: imagine how safe us and our allies would be if we had a Death Star laser on the moon. No country would dare attack us or our allies knowing that retribution is only 24 hours away at the most. And if we built this Death Star on the moon, nobody would dare blow it up, because as we all know, we would all have bigger problems if we blow up the moon. Mr Hughes, attempting to prevent me from dreaming big as he tends to do, tells me that the United States is a member of an international treaty preventing military expansion in space. But we’ve expanded NATO past the point we agreed with Gorbachev not to do, so if we can break treaties on earth, why not in space?
Second, imagine the economic benefit that would come with building a Death Star. Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and General Dynamics would all race to build the most economical, easy to use giant laser beam, and all this would be being invested into an economy that is already in a “boom” phase. What’s more, building a Death Star on the moon would allow our president, Donald Trump, to fulfill his promises to 1: Make America Safe AgainTM and 2: Create a United States space army. Furthermore, this hypothetical Death Star could be a shining example of what American green tech companies can do. Vegetable Oil is to be a safe, reliable fuel option as proven by the multitudes of 40-year old Mercedes Benzes you see driving around Napa County with billions of miles on them, and imagine the economic benefit to both the agricultural and Fast Food industries if we put a huge tank of McDonald’s leftover french fry oil on the next space shuttle to the moon.
Some tell me that this idea is unrealistic, but In Austin Powers 2, Doctor Evil builds a Giant Frickin’ Laser BeamTM on the moon, which is only destroyed after Doctor Evil himself initiates a self destruct sequence. If it were not for British super spy Austin Powers, Doctor Evil would have had a fully functional super weapon. Now imagine that, but in the hands of our completely rational, mentally stable, genius President. If that doesn’t sound like a great idea, then I don’t know what does.
In this article, I have given rational arguments that explain why and how the United States could have its own Death Star if we so wished. If this idea sounds like something you would want in America, you can vote for me in the 2040 Democratic Party primary and general election, and together, we will build our very own Death Star.