By: Leila Rocha
WARNING: This article contains controversial speculation about whether or not Santa is real. If this offends you then please don’t proceed in reading this article.
Christmas! What a jolly good time! You can decorate the tree, eat candy canes, and present your loved ones with lavish gifts…or socks. Regardless of what you get for your family (because that’s your business), it’s the thought that counts.
A popular Christmas tradition is the famous Santa Claus. Ho ho ho! He lives in the North Pole, eats a lot of cookies, has a bunch of reindeer, and stalks your children. Not only does he stalk them but he even judges their behavior! If you’re nice you get good gifts and if you’re bad you get coal. This reminds me of how one Christmas my parents wanted to play a trick on me. So when I reached into my stocking I pulled out a bag of coal. Sad honestly. But don’t worry because this was only a prank. The coal turned out to be chocolate wrapped to look like coal.
I’m sure you’ve heard of baking cookies, leaving them out, then having them magically be gone in the morning. But, I’ll let you in on a secret: It’s your parents either eating the cookies or throwing them away once you go up to bed. Let’s roleplay:
Gina: Hey mom, will Santa really come and give me presents if I’m good and make him yummy cookies.
Gina’s mom: Yeah genius.
Gina: Yay! (Goes into the kitchen and makes reindeer-shaped sugar cookies with her dad.)
Gina: (After the cookies are finished and set out on the fireplace with a glass of milk.) I’m going to go up to bed so that I can wake up early and open all my presents!
Gina’s mom: Good. Santa will surely appreciate that. (As soon as Gina goes up to bed, her mother stuffs her face with the reindeer sugar cookies and writes a note that said Santa enjoyed the cookies.)
Another Christmas tradition is decorating a Christmas tree. Lots of people even go the extra mile to go into the forest to chop one down. This is a smart idea! When you can’t find a fake one just simply wander into the depths of the forests with your sharpest ax and violently chop the most beautiful tree, pick it up, and run with it. No one needs to know that it happened. Just tell the fam that you got it from the tree lot.
Of course, you can’t forget about Christmas caroling! This is probably the most awkward tradition yet. Just go to some random person’s house and start singing to them while they force a smile and pretend they enjoy your presence. Or some people might slam the door in your face or threaten to call the police if you don’t get off their private property.
No matter what Christmas tradition you participate in, just know this: do it with a jolly spirit. Also don’t say “jolly” because it sounds weird.