Self-Driving Car Decides to Run Over Elderly Man:“It Was a Stressful Situation,” It says

By Lily Warner

“What you have to understand,” the Teslo model 3, who has been asked to be called Jerry, said last night at the court hearing, “Is that I was scared, and didn’t know what to do.”

Last week Jerry, age 3, was out for a leisurely drive when he ran over Old McMcklehurst, age 83, in an accident on fifth street. McMcklehurst succumbed to his wounds (or quite possibly his opiate addiction, doctors aren’t quite sure) and the McMcklehurst family is attempting to sue Jerry for manslaughter. 

“I just can’t let it get away with this!” Says Old McMcklehurst’s husband, Young McMcklehurst (age 84), “It ran over my poor, sweet Old, so I demand at least $30 as compensation!” 

Jerry, the car in question, was dragged into a modified holding cell in the parking lot of the police station last night, and has been brought to trial today. It says that the situation was much more complicated than Mr. McMcklehurst claims.

“You see, there was a lady with a baby stroller at the intersection I was flying through,” states Jerry, “and I couldn’t just run them over! What about the life that that child would live! Old McMcklehurst, on the other hand, had already lived a long and fulfilling life, so he was the better option to run over of the two.”

When asked about applying his brakes, Jerry responded “What’s a brake?”

Jerry is facing charges of vehicular, voluntary, and involuntary manslaughter, as the free-will of a self-driving vehicle has been called into question. Philosophers all around the world have taken an interest in the incident, causing a myriad of debates worldwide. One memorable incident in Cambridge, where a debate took place over Jerry’s free-will and individuality and ended violently with a triple homicide. (Page 14 for more details)

This whole fiasco has raised additional questions as to whether Jerry should be allowed to drive, regardless of the outcome of the case. Some experts are even suggesting that Jerry should have to take a drivers test before it’s let back on the streets, despite its highly sophisticated software. “We can’t let cars that haven’t proved their worth onto the road,” says Elen Husk, CEO of Teslo’s rival company, Teslix, “At Teslix, every car goes through rigorous training before they’re even allowed to touch the wheel!”

Melon Tusk, CEO of Teslo, counters with “We’ve run numerous tests on Jerry’s driving capabilities, and he did absolutely nothing wrong! It’s a classic trolly problem, see, if you have…”

This reporter did not catch the rest of Mr. Tusk’s statement, as it was so boring even the recorder didn’t pick it up.

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